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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674528">Saltwater</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikiness/pseuds/nikiness'>nikiness</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Multi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:06:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikiness/pseuds/nikiness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU. What if something happened to keep Bella on Quileute land after she jumped off of that cliff? What if Alice's visions had come a little quicker and been just a little bit more accurate? \\\ There was nothing there, or at least, Bella wasn't there. For once in his long life, Edward was disjointed, confused. The Earth had tilted on its axis and left him there, struggling to find his balance.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jacob Black/Bella Swan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Little Bit Darker</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello, loves. Full disclosure... the bulk of the first seven chapters were written back in 2010. I never finished it back then, because I'll be honest... the movies killed the Twilight vibe for me. I loved the movie's aesthetic but everything else about them made me cringe. But 2020 brought us a fucking hell of a year and Midnight sun and I ended up going back through my old fanfic on ye olden Livejournal. I don't know. It just feels important to me to finish one piece in my whole useless life so here we are. I'm finishing this shit. I was a better writer ten years ago, so I'm sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alice reached him after midnight, the rest of them trailing in behind her. They crowded in the doorway, stomping the snow off of their boots. If he had been human, he wouldn’t have survived this far up the mountain this time of year. If they had been human, they never would have reached him at all. </p>
<p>The snow was howling outside of the window, scratching on the glass and threatening to break it in with the force of the wind. Not that Edward cared. Not that he cared about anything anymore. He had chosen this place on purpose; the cold temperatures and the lack of running water kept most people away. There was no civilization this far up. But the cold didn't bother him, it never bothered him.</p>
<p>Alice sank to her knees at his feet and she spoke to him slowly, as if she were speaking to a child, “Edward, we have to go back home...” </p>
<p> Her voice caught in her throat and if he weren't so far gone in his own self-pity, his own pain, he might have seen hers. He might have noticed that her dark eyes were a little bit darker. That her voice was thick with it. But he was too weighed down with his own pain and entirely too selfish to see hers. </p>
<p>“I can't,” he said finally, he felt like his voice should have been hoarse from lack of use. But it wasn't. It was the same voice that had told Bella he didn't love her anymore. That he was leaving. “It's better... for her.”</p>
<p>But what would have been better for her, he thought bitterly, was if she had never come to Forks in the first place. If <i>he</i> had never come to Forks in the first place. Or maybe, if he had never gone back that first time, when he'd escaped her scent in the mountains with Tanya and her clan. Why had he gone back? Besides the fact that there was something about her that dragged at every dead and withered cell in his damned body. Even now, up so high and thousands of miles away, he knew that he couldn't stay away from her forever. At some point, he'd shamefully crawl back to her but he could only hope he'd have the strength to stay in the shadows and watch her live her life out from afar. </p>
<p>Up here, with snow packed against the door, he had plenty of time to worry the “what if's” around in his head. To think of all the things he could have done differently. Alice saw the future and he saw the future from Alice’s thoughts. Both of them intrusively sifting through all the could bes and would bes in Bella’s life and maybe that was part of the bigger problem. </p>
<p>He could hear Rosalie sigh, exasperated, from the doorway. He was doing his best to block out all of their thoughts and they were doing their best to shield theirs from him. </p>
<p>His head shot up suddenly. Why were they trying so hard to shield their thoughts from him? Harder than usual… </p>
<p>“Edward, Bella...” Alice stopped. Took an unnecessary breath. “Edward, Bella is gone.”</p>
<p>If he’d needed to breathe, his breath would have caught in his throat. If he’d had a heart that beat, it would have missed one. Bella had left Forks? Had she gone back to her mother? Gone back to the sun? Or had more time passed than he'd originally thought? The possibility left him disoriented. The days passed by in quick succession, there was rarely any sunlight this far north. But he would have known if so much time had passed that Bella's lifetime were already a memory. Wouldn't he? </p>
<p>“She left Forks?” He said the words more intensely than he’d meant to but maybe that was because another possibility was beginning to form in his head. Something more insidious. </p>
<p>Alice hung her head, “No, Edward. She's dead.”</p>
<p>He was on his feet, then. His eyes wide and his breath, even though he didn't need it, was coming in panicked gasps. “NO!,” he grabbed Alice by the shoulders, his stone fingers digging into her hard skin. “NOOOO!!” he screamed, again. He would scream and scream and scream if he thought that it would make this hurt just a little bit less.</p>
<p>Behind him, Edward knew that Jasper was carefully regulating the emotions coming off of him in waves. He knew that Rosalie and Emmett were poised at the doorway, ready to take him down if they needed to. But that was all he knew. It felt like his world, everything in it, had been turned upside down. His head was swimming. All he could knew in that moment was that he had to know what happened. He had to know who he was going to spend the rest of his pathetic life hunting down and ending before he found a way to end his own too long life. A world without Bella in it wasn't a world he wanted anyway. </p>
<p>“Tell me,” he hissed at Alice, turning dark, half-crazed eyes on her. “Tell me what happened. Who hurt her?” </p>
<p>He wasn’t ready to fathom that she would hurt herself. As soon as the thought started to take shape he pushed it away. </p>
<p>“She's... Edward, she's been a mess. I know you asked me not to, but I had to watch out for her. I haven't been back to Forks, but I've been watching. I just didn’t think about that one. I didn’t think she’d…” Alice paused, searching for the words. </p>
<p>He stood still, still as the stony lump that was once his heart. The heart, that had it been alive and beating, would have been hammering in his chest. Either way, dead or alive, his heart was breaking. It was shattering in ways he hadn’t realized it still could break. For so long, he’d thought himself dead and immovable. Unchanging. Like the stone that took years of storms and rain and wind battering it’s edges before it finally changed its shape. </p>
<p>“I saw her...” Alice trailed off. She was deciding what to say, how much to say. But her thoughts were moving too quickly for him to catch a whisper of what she wasn't saying. “I saw her make the decision and... I couldn't stop her, Edward. I was too far away and it took less than a minute and she was gone. I can't see her anymore!” Pain shook her voice, made it crack into a million pieces rolling off of her lips. </p>
<p>But he couldn't comprehend that someone else could be hurting just as much as he was right now. </p>
<p>Alice couldn't see Bella anymore, Bella was gone. He sank to his knees, his head in his hands. He choked up a dry sob, he hadn't been able to cry in a century but the emotion, it was still there. He sobbed into his hands, the memory of the relief of crying was like a phantom limb. But he found no relief in this.</p>
<p>“Edward,” Jasper said softly, and Edward could feel the calm he was trying to project. He could feel it tugging at his pain, trying to soften it’s edges, but he fought it. He wanted this to hurt. </p>
<p>“Fucking stop,” he hissed up at Jasper, black eyes burning like coals. “I want to feel this. How?” he rasped, turning his attention back to Alice. </p>
<p>“Edward, I don’t think I should…” Alice protested, sagging into the single uncomfortable chair in the derelict hunting cottage he’d chosen for his exile. She knew what he wanted. He wanted her to remember the whole messy thing for him in every detail that she could muster so that he could torture himself with it. “I’m not going to do that.” </p>
<p>He was being too selfish to realize how much it would hurt her too. Just as badly as it would hurt him. “I was trying to… do what you’d asked. Not check in too much,” Alice said as Jasper stepped up behind her and settled a hand on her shoulder. “But I had to… because it was never fair of you to ask that of me in the first place. She’s my best friend, Edward. She was mine too. I loved her too!” </p>
<p>Alice jerked herself out of Jasper’s calming grip. In that moment, she didn’t want to be calm either. “I didn’t realize how bad things had been… for her. Emotionally. I don’t know why no one else saw it… around her." Anguish shook Alice's voice, "I don't know why no one <i>did anything</i>. They just left her alone to hurt. And the decisions she’s been making… they’ve been so irrational that by the time I get a snippet, they’re already changing…” </p>
<p>Edward groaned into his clasped hands. </p>
<p>But Alice kept going, just like he had asked her to. “She jumped. From so high up… and I saw her go in the water but she never… she never came back up.”</p>
<p>“Why are we going back then?” Rosalie huffed. “It doesn’t sound like there’s anything we can do.”</p>
<p>Alice’s head shot up with a growl as she narrowed her eyes at the pretty blonde sister she’d never asked for. “You’re on incredibly thin ice, Rose. I have put up with your shallow selfishness for an incredibly long time but your thoughtless, callous actions almost lost me my brother when I have already lost my best friend. For just one fucking minute could you shut up?!”</p>
<p>Jasper watched, amused, as Rosalie’s mouth opened and closed. Like a fish, he thought. He’d wondered off and on over the years when Alice would finally say to Rosalie’s face the things she angrily whispered to him in their bedroom when Rose had finally pushed his sweet mate over the edge. </p>
<p>He watched Rosalie storm out but he knew she wouldn’t go far. Whether they liked it or not, they were family. And maybe it was time that Alice said something instead of bottling it all up until she knew that Rosalie and Emmett were far enough away from the house that they wouldn't overhear her frustration when it bubbled over the surface. Emmett flashed an apologetic wince before he pushed out into the snow to follow her. For better or for worse, he would always follow her. </p>
<p>Just like he would always follow Alice. </p>
<p>Like Alice worried that Edward would follow Bella. </p>
<p>Change came slow to them, slower still to Edward it seemed. Maybe because he had been the youngest of all of them when he’d been changed. Jasper had never shared Edward’s ideas about morality and souls. Why should it worry him when he would never die to find out how right or how wrong his little brother was? To him, Bella had simply ceased to be. </p>
<p>To Edward, though, she had gone somewhere he would never be able to follow. </p>
<p>“We have to go back to say goodbye,” Alice said softly, crouching down beside Edward. Joining him in his pain. Pain that only the two of them truly felt. Bella had meant things to Alice and Edward that she simply couldn’t mean to Jasper. Not while the blood beneath her skin forced him to keep his distance and only get to know her through Alice’s stories. </p>
<p>“I need to say goodbye,” Alice said, firmly. </p>
<p>Edward couldn’t speak. Didn’t speak. </p>
<p>But he nodded, just once.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Darkest Days</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Every mile closer to Forks, he realized that he had been right the first time. When he'd asked her, what if I'm the bad guy? And she'd laughed him off, she had refused to see that in him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I have no idea if the Twilight fandom is even still a thing. It's been a long, weird ten years since I first wrote this lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once, he'd thought that maybe he would be the hero. That maybe he <i>could</i> be the hero. That he could protect her from every stumble, every fall. That he could be right, something more, something better. Once, Edward had thought that he could be a man, something more than the monster.</p><p>Every mile closer to Forks, he realized how wrong he was. How completely and totally oblivious he’d been. He’d thought he was saving her but all he was doing was pushing her towards that metaphorical and literal edge. </p><p>Every mile closer to Forks, he realized that he had been right the first time. When he'd asked her, <i>what if I'm the bad guy?</i> And she'd laughed him off, she had refused to see that in him.</p><p>Bella had refused to see the monster, even on his darkest days. And where had that gotten her? He’d brought out the very worst in her. He’d made so many mistakes where she was concerned and he was only just beginning to see it now that it was too late to do anything about it. He'd dismissed her feelings as shallower than his own because she was mortal. He'd refused to see her as an equal in their relationship because she was human. He was just beginning to grasp the edges of that realization as he sat in his pain. </p><p>They were close, now. Rosalie behind the steering wheel, Alice riding shotgun. He knew that they had left Emmett and Jasper in the backseat with him for a reason. To stop him, in case he decided to run. To run to the Volturi. To end this, just like she had.</p><p>Alice had seen it, she said. She had seen Rosalie calling Edward, telling him that he could come back now. That Bella was gone. She had seen Edward going to the Volturi, stepping out into the sunlight and letting them clean up the mess. That vision was the cause of the current tension between Alice and the blonde in the front seat.</p><p>Alice had been able to prevent at least one of her visions from coming true but she worried for how long. Edward was persistent. Once he’d made up his mind he was unyielding. How long until he slipped away from them and found a way to die? How much longer could she prevent what was feeling more and more inevitable? </p><p>And he had to admit, the idea was extremely appealing. More appealing with every passing second, every mile closer to Forks.</p><p>He'd searched Alice's mind over and over again. He didn’t care anymore what an invasion of privacy it was. There was something there that she was trying to hide from him and he wanted to know what it was. But Alice had buried it under memories of Bella… happy and alive. Maybe because she knew that that would be too much for him for now, he wouldn’t poke at those memories too hard because they hurt too much. The pain was nearly blinding. </p><p>Edward didn't understand Alice's almost obsessive need to go back. To drag him back with her. Bella had been his only tether, and if she were gone, there was nothing left. If Bella were dead, and there was nothing he could do to protect her or save her, there was no reason to go back. </p><p>Not even Carlisle could bring back the dead.</p><p>He searched Alice's mind, again. Hoping he could find a chink in her armor. Just like Alice's need to return to Forks, he was almost obsessive in his own need to figure out what she was keeping away from him. </p><p>There was a part of him that wanted to watch it all play out, but Alice refused to show him. He knew that the knowing wouldn't bring her back. But he needed it, craved it. He wanted to use it’s sharpness to open up his own wounds. He couldn't explain it, just like he couldn't explain why her scent had appealed to him so much more than anything he had ever experienced. </p><p>It felt like they had been driving for months, but with Rosalie and Alice behind the wheel it had only taken them a day and a half to cross the country. The Forks county line was passing by them in a blur.</p><p>If Edward's heart could beat, it would be thumping in his chest. He wondered if they were too late for the funeral, if all that was left was so much turned up ground and a headstone. He couldn't explain it, but he needed to see her body, just one more time. He needed to know that she was really and truly gone… he needed to follow her into the dark. </p><p>His fingers were already dialing her phone number before he could explain it to himself. <i>What would it help?</i> He thought, and then, <i>What would it hurt?</i></p><p>He snapped his phone shut before he had to listen to Bella's voice on the Swan's voicemail. If Charlie hadn't answered maybe it was because he was still at the funeral... </p><p>“Edward?” Of course Alice had seen his decision the minute he had made it. But he was quick, quicker than Jasper and Emmett, reaching out for him. His movements were fluid, sure. He leapt from the moving car and landed on his feet in the middle of the narrow road that would carry him all the back into Forks.</p><p>There was still time. He couldn't fix this, he couldn't make it right. But he could be there for her, one last time. </p><p>***</p><p>He didn't belong there, skirting through the forlorn scrub of pines bordering the cemetery. They were lowering the casket into the hard, wet ground. Edward twisted away, staring at the tree line. If the pain of knowing that she was dead had been bad, the pain of watching them put her in the ground was unbearable.</p><p>He could make out Charlie, Jacob and Billy Black. There were few mourners and he recognized only a couple of them. The sparse crowd looked as though they were mostly Charlie's friends; Fishing buddies from La Push, gathered around to lay his daughter in the ground.</p><p>Anger bubbled up inside of Edward... where was Mike Newton now? Angela Weber and all of Forks High School. It was unfathomable that Bella had not touched each and every one of their lives the way she had changed his. The way she had changed him so irrevocably. What he’d thought was stone, changing imperceptibly slowly over centuries of wear and tear, had turned to clay in Bella’s hands. </p><p>She’d wet her hands and pressed her shape into his heart and there it would stay until he was nothing more than dust. </p><p>He didn't belong here, standing just out of Charlie's line of sight, mourning her from a distance. He didn't belong here, with all of the maybes and the what ifs. Guilt was clawing up his throat, regret was threatening to bring his feet out from under him. What if he had never left? Could all of this have been prevented, would she be here beside him right now? If he had never left?</p><p>Had he been so selfish and blind that he’d really never realized Bella had the capacity inside of her to hurt herself… had he really thought that Charlie and her absent mother were enough to tether her there? How had he been so naïve as to trust Renee, who was so selfish that she'd forced her child to raise her like a parent, and Charlie, who had been content to mold up here in the dampness alone... never fighting for anything in his life... how could he have entrusted them to care for Bella in the way she'd needed someone to care for her? </p><p>He remembered Alice's words now... why had no one noticed? Why had no one seen her spiraling? </p><p>It felt as though years had passed before the last of the mourners were black shadows on the edge of the parking lot. And longer before the landscaping crew had finished heaping dirt into the hole that held his entire existence.</p><p>When they were gone, when he was alone, Edward trudged through the wet grass. If he had wanted to breathe, he wouldn't have been able to. If he were human, he would have been sobbing. But he had lost that ability centuries ago and he hadn't missed it, until now. Now, he threw himself down into the fresh dirt. The pain, it was too much. It was going to kill him, drive him insane. One or the other and neither was looking that bad to him. He longed to be breakable enough to die from heartache, it would have been a blessing. The heart that couldn't beat, the body as unyielding as stone: more and more, it was becoming a curse.</p><p>Now all he could do was lay there and trace his fingers over her name engraved into the stone. He would hook his fingers around the familiar letters and try to remember that crawling into the ground wouldn't bring her back. But through the pain that was clouding everything, he couldn't think of anything better than lying down there with her for all eternity. </p><p>He wondered if his kind could starve. Wither up and die after long enough.</p><p>He hoped so. </p><p>Hoped so with everything left inside of him.</p><p>His cold, stone hard fingers found the letters of her name and dug into their chiseled granite lines. </p><p>Edward's eyes snapped open, his fingertips pressed into letters that were wholly unfamiliar, not at all what he was expecting. He was staring up at a headstone that read Harry Clearwater. Beloved father, it said, beloved husband. His fingertips, still dangling off of the H, froze. </p><p>The gravestone, the one that he had knelt in front of in supplication, it wasn't hers. His stone cold fingers swept over the name, carved out of stone like it was carved out of his own skin. He blinked once, then twice. Edward didn't know what he expected, maybe that he was delusional. That the pain had brought him over the edge and now he was seeing things that weren't there. Couldn't be there. </p><p>Alice had seen Bella die and she hadn't seen anything else. He knew that she had been watching, he wasn't stupid enough to believe that this wasn't hurting her almost as much as it was killing him.</p><p>Harry Clearwater, the name was wholly unfamiliar. </p><p>Edward was on his feet, darting through the open cemetery, from grave to grave. She had to be here, otherwise, why would Charlie have been here? Standing off to one side, looking for all the world that everything had come crashing down on top of him.</p><p>He checked them all again, the human facade slid off of his shoulders and he was nothing more than what he was. Moving too fast to be human, he double checked each of them.</p><p>There was nothing there, or at least, Bella wasn't there. For once in his long life, Edward was disjointed, confused. The Earth had tilted on its axis and left him there, struggling to find his balance.</p><p>Fleeing, he cut through the woods. It was like slipping on a familiar pair of gloves and finding the grooves where his fingers had worn indents into the leather. Finding the footholds, racing through the trees that were wet and alive, it was familiar. Comforting, when nothing else was. Edward pulled himself up short right before the big wood and glass front door. Their house had set, empty and untouched, for months. </p><p>Carlisle would know. He was the proverbial father figure, always right. Carlisle always knew the best course of action. Or maybe, Alice. Maybe Alice had seen something, anything.</p><p>He wouldn't allow the glimmer of hope to flourish, to take root deep inside of him and spread it's limbs. He tried to swallow it back but he couldn’t stop that imperceptible ember of hope that had lit up inside of him, lied to him and told him that maybe she wasn't dead. Alice's visions had been inaccurate before. Not often, but nothing was certain.</p><p>“Carlisle!” He was barely through the front door, struggling to keep himself composed, struggling just to keep himself standing. “Alice!”</p><p>He never heard a footstep, but they were all there. Emmett was bristling, ready for a fight, any fight. But he always was.</p><p>“She's not dead,” he said. If he had been human, maybe he would be out of breath. Maybe his voice would crack. But he wasn't and it didn't. “The funeral, it was for Harry Clearwater. She's not dead.”</p><p>Alice sank down to sit on the stairs in one fluid movement. She moved like a ballet dancer, or maybe like a ghost. He never knew which one best described her. “This doesn't make any sense,” she said. She massaged her temples with the tips of her fingers and let her eyes go glassy and unfocused like they did when she was lost in her own head, coaxing out a vision to set them all straight again. </p><p>“I saw it, I knew that Edward didn't want us to check in on her. To have any sort of interaction with her at all. But... I loved Bella too. I wanted to make sure she was okay.”</p><p>He ducked his head, he couldn't meet her eyes. Or Esme's. Alice had been hurting, almost as much as he had been hurting. But he hadn't cared about that, then. Hadn't cared that they had loved her too, just like he had loved her. Still loved her. He couldn't put Bella in the past tense, not yet. She was still far too much alive to him to do that. To bear doing that.</p><p>“But I watched, when I could. And...” she trailed off. It was almost imperceptible, but Jasper leaned in closer and closed the gap between their bodies in one quick motion. So slight, that maybe someone else wouldn't have noticed it. “And, I should have seen it coming, but I didn't look all that often. I was trying… I didn't look often, but I saw her standing on this cliff and there was a river down below her, rushing with currents from a storm. I didn't know where she was, I had never seen anything like that in Forks.”</p><p>She slipped then and he wasn’t sure if it was intentional or accidental. But she finally let him see what he’d been begging to see since that night in the snow. It took all of his efforts to hold himself up, to stay on his feet. He wanted to brace himself against the wall, sink down to his knees. If he could sleep, he would be dreaming about it. Having nightmares that woke him up screaming her name. Bella murmuring the words "You wanted me to be human," before she plunged off the side of the cliff. </p><p>“And then, she just jumped. She jumped and I saw her fall and fall and fall. She went down underneath the water, and I could see her for a few seconds, caught up in the current. And then she was gone. I kept watching, waiting for her to come up but she didn't. She never came up.”</p><p>He could pick out their thoughts, broken and disjointed, because in that moment, everything was broken and disjointed. Esme was thinking about him, her son, as always. Wondering what this brief slip of hope would do to him. If he allowed himself to believe her alive, would the pain of losing her all over again destroy him.</p><p>And he knew it would.</p><p>Alice, so certain that Bella was gone but she wanted to doubt herself. Rosalie… he didn’t linger on her thoughts too long because if he did he worried that he might rip her limb from limb. Carlisle, the only father that he could remember. He sought out his father's eyes because he needed to know what they held. Carlisle's expression was sad and his thoughts were sadder. It was devastating watching his son crumble in the way that Edward was falling to pieces. But there, there was also a flicker of hope that Bella had survived her leap. After all, Carlisle's thoughts said, where else would she have been buried? Forks had but one small cemetery and Edward had checked it thoroughly. There was a chance... </p><p>"I think," Carlisle said softly, stepping forward. "I think that there is a <i>chance</i> that we don't have the whole picture yet. I think that we owe it to Edward and Bella to get the whole picture before we make any further decisions. Maybe Bella has been admitted for psychiatric help if she was as depressed as Alice saw... I can make some calls tomorrow." </p><p>"Thank you," Edward breathed, barely noticing as Esme wrapped her arms around him and pulled him gently to the couch. </p><p>He was tense and wound up as Esme tugged him against her shoulder and worked her fingers through his hair as she soothed him like a mother. He tried to let her comfort him but there was no comfort in not knowing where Bella was or if she was safe. Not knowing if she were dead or alive. Not knowing...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Would Have Been A Blessing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He was burning hot as he dragged them both out of the ocean and pressed his mouth to hers for the first time. Not the way he’d day dreamed about while he was trying to fall asleep but to try a version of CPR that he’d cobbled together from movie scenes and the first aid video he’d had to watch during one of his years lifeguarding for extra cash over the summer.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We've got one more re-edited chapter of Zombie fic resurrected from 10 years ago. Then we get into the new shit.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jacob Black paced back and forth across the torn up linoleum flooring that had covered the kitchen floor for longer than he had been alive. He remembered crawling across the floor, back when it looked new. He remembered playing with the blocks his father had carved for him on the floor, when the wear and tear was just beginning to become noticeable. These were the vaguest memories, the ones covered up by stuff like the pack and legends and Bella. Covered up by stuff like chemistry class and rebuilding an engine.</p><p>He wondered how much longer they could spin tall tales to keep Charlie from having every officer in the state crawling all over the reservation. He wondered how much longer Billy could lie to Charlie's face and how they were going to explain this away.</p><p>The camping story was stretching a little thin, Charlie had been asking when they were coming back more and more. He was asking if everything was okay. And Billy had lied to his face, said that everyone was keeping in contact with him. He'd said that everything was fine, they were just kids having fun. It was summer vacation, he kept saying, let them enjoy themselves. Let them stretch their wings a little bit.</p><p>But he couldn't help but wonder when Charlie would ask him to have Bella call him. What he would do when Bella didn't call. Couldn't call, not the way she was now. </p><p>He wondered how much longer they could bullshit their way through this one. How much longer could Billy lie before Charlie was up here, knee deep in the reservation himself, looking for his daughter.</p><p>Jacob flinched, it was hard thinking about Bella. </p><p>He hadn't been to see her in weeks. Emily was taking care of her and Sam kept telling him that she was okay. Everything was okay. But he wouldn't believe that until he saw it himself and he couldn't bring himself to go up there. He couldn't bring himself to watch Emily pour more antiseptic into Bella's wounds or peel off the bandages and he couldn't bring himself to look at Emily's face because it all could have been worse. It could always be worse, he knew, but this felt pretty damn bad to him.</p><p>He had promised her she would be safe with him. He had spent so many hours telling her how unsafe it was with the Cullen's, how lucky she was that they had left her alone. Because now she wouldn't live with danger on her heels, the possibility of death dogging her every foot step. And every word had been a lie, because now she was laid up at Sam's house and she could very possibly die. Even if she lived, he knew she would never look him in the eyes again. He knew that he would never see her lips curve up in that smile that only she had. Not again, not now.</p><p>He heard the creak of the wheel chair ramp, the door opening. Billy was home and he knew by the sadness coming off of him like radio waves that he had been with Charlie.</p><p>“Dad...”</p><p>Billy smiled up at him, wheeling himself into the kitchen with arms that were too big for the rest of his body. The muscles in his shoulders, his forearm, tensed and flexed until he slowed down. Stopped at the kitchen table and laid his big hands flat on its surface.</p><p>“I don't know, son,” he said, softly. Billy had never judged him, never looked at him any different, no matter what he'd done. And now was no exception.</p><p>“How much longer?”</p><p>“I don't know, son,” Billy repeated. “I can't stand lying to Charlie. He's always been a good friend. When your mother--” Billy trailed off and Jacob's guts twisted into tight knots. He knew. Charlie had always been there for them, for Billy. And now he was forced to lie to him, to string him along helplessly and tell him how much fun his daughter was having. When, in truth, he might never see her again.</p><p>“I can't keep doing this to him,” Billy said, “Maybe the best thing to do would be to tell him, maybe he can handle this.”</p><p>Jacob flinched, lowered his heavy body down into one of the kitchen chairs that protested loudly underneath of his sudden weight. “No, dad.” He had to keep this going, had to give them just a little bit more time. Everything could change in a day. Two days, maybe three. He just had to give her a little more time… Bella was strong. He knew she was strong but… what if what he’d done had been too much for even someone as strong as his Bells to handle. </p><p>“Dad, please,” he begged, “Just, let's give it a little more time. Just a little more.”</p><p>Billy shook his head sadly, “Ok...” his eyes flickered from Jacob's face down to the scarred table top. “Ok, son. Just a little bit more time, I don't know how much longer I can hold him off. He wants to speak to her, he says he's antsy with her gone this long. It's already been a week, Jacob.”</p><p>Just a little bit more time, a few more days and maybe she would wake up. Maybe she would be okay. Maybe she wouldn't hate him.</p><p>But he had to know that she would.</p><p>When he thought about Bella for too long his skin itched and the restless urge to give in to the wolf and run prickled at the edges of his senses. He hadn’t let the wolf out since… since what he’d done to her. </p><p>The wolf was anxious in the back of his head, dragging its claws against his skull as if to say let me out. Let me run. The obvion of becoming the wolf and running from this pulled at him. </p><p>Jacob dragged a hand through his unfamiliar, short hair. </p><p>He wanted the escape from every terrible thought running through his mind but he hated the wolf for what it had done to Bella. </p><p>He didn’t remember much after he pulled her out of the raging ocean except the gut clenching fear that she wouldn’t come back from this. And the feeling that maybe he’d missed something that he should have seen. He’d known she was sad… everyone had known that. It was a small town and people talked especially when they didn’t have much to talk about. </p><p>But he’d thought… he’d thought that those hours they spent in his garage talking and coaxing smiles and laughs out of her that had gotten more and more frequent... </p><p>...he’d thought that they’d meant something. </p><p>He was burning hot as he dragged them both out of the ocean and pressed his mouth to hers for the first time. Not the way he’d day dreamed about while he was trying to fall asleep but to try a version of CPR that he’d cobbled together from movie scenes and the first aid video he’d had to watch during one of his years lifeguarding for extra cash over the summer. </p><p>In those moments, beating on her chest and hissing <i>Breathe, Bells</i> between clenched teeth, Jacob had been panicked. He’d been flooded with adrenaline and fear and even the wolf had taken a back seat to the eminement threat of his own grief. </p><p>But once she was breathing and alive and lying to his fucking face… he’d been angry. The anger was where the wolf lived right now, it felt like. The anger was where Jacob was weak and the wolf was strong. </p><p>He’d been angry the first time he’d ever been the wolf. He’d been laid up sick in bed when Billy had opened the door for Sam Uley and led him back to Jacob’s bedroom and wouldn’t meet his son’s eyes. That feeling that Sam was just watching him… waiting for him… it was nothing compared to that sick feeling in his stomach when he’d realized he was right.</p><p>Sam had been waiting for this. </p><p>Whatever was happening to him… suddenly it felt like Sam’s fault. And he’d never been so angry. </p><p>The wolf had crept in then and he’d barely made it to the muddy backyard before he burst out of his own skin and into something stronger, faster and deadlier than the little boy who had played with wooden blocks on that vinyl floor was ever going to be. </p><p>Pack speak meant nothing was hidden and he knew that Sam worried because he could only ever give into the wolf when he was so fucking angry that it made him want to come right out of his skin and so he did. </p><p>When Bella had blown the whole thing off as cliff diving, fuck he’d been angry. Anger edged in disbelief, though, and he’d been able to keep the wolf back. But when she’d told him that she kept risking her fucking life because it was the only way the fucking blood sucker felt close… </p><p>He’d lost it. </p><p>Bile crept up his throat now just thinking about it. </p><p>Jacob couldn’t think about what he’d done. </p><p>What the fucking wolf riding shotgun in his body like a goddamn parasite had done. </p><p>When Emily called and told him that she needed him to swing by the pharmacy Jacob felt guilty about just how relieved he finally was to have a task. Something that he could accomplish. </p><p>An hour later, Jacob paced uncomfortably down the narrow aisles of Fork’s only drug store with his arms full of gauze bandages, more peroxide and antiseptic. Really, he should have gone further. Maybe run up to Port Angeles or something. But Emily had sounded like it was urgent. He had to get in and out before anyone saw him, especially Charlie Swan, the tiny town’s police chief.</p><p> If he saw Jacob, his arms full of first aid supplies, Jacob knew that everything would crumble down around him before he was ready.</p><p>Jacob swallowed hard when he thought about what he would return to whenever he was done here. The last time he had seen her, Bella was laid out in Sam and Emily’s bedroom, bloody and prone. Sam and Emily took turns on their run down couch that sagged uncomfortably in the middle. Emily changed her bandages every few hours, dabbed on more antiseptic, tried to keep her as comfortable as possible. Jacob was grateful for that, despite the twinge of guilt that told him that it should be him tending to her wounds, coaxing her into a few sips of water. It should have been him, after all, he was responsible for her. He was responsible for this whole damn mess.</p><p>Jacob helped as much as he could stand to, being around her hurt more than anything else he had ever experienced. It was the type of gut wrenching pain that he had never experienced before and god, he hoped he would never experience it again.</p><p>Bella whined and twitched in her sleep. Moaned sometimes and when she was awake, well… he tried not to be around for that. He was a coward, he knew it; but he couldn’t stand those deep hazel eyes, confused and clouded with pain. Sam didn’t tell him as much, but thanks to the shared mind of the pack, he knew that she asked for him when she was awake. He saw it in Sam’s mind: her weak voice, her eyes hazy and cloudy from the pain.</p><p>The last time he had hovered in the doorway while Emily had tended to the deep wounds marring her chest and belly, she had sighed and lowered her head. Infection was starting to set in, she said. They maybe needed to take her to a hospital, they could tell everyone she’d been attacked by a bear while they were camping, Emily said. It was the same story that Sam and Emily had told everyone when Emily had earned the deep scars that crossed her beautiful face.</p><p>He knew that Sam and the rest of the pack, they would back him up on this right or wrong. It was his decision; they had effectively placed Bella’s life in his own two hands. Sometimes, he wished that Sam would take over, make some grand executive decision and lift just a little bit of this burden off of his shoulders. It was too heavy for him to carry.</p><p>At the counter, he pulled a couple of sweaty twenty dollar bills out of the pocket of his jeans and pushed them across the counter. His mind was clouded with worry, doubt; he never stopped second guessing himself. Maybe that was because he knew; deep down, that he was making the wrong decision. That Bella would die under their ministrations, no matter what they did. Because he was too afraid to make the decision that would save her life and damn himself.</p><p>Outside, Jacob took a deep breath, sucked it in through his teeth and pushed everything out of his mind. Everything but getting the first aid supplies that Emily badly needed back to Bella and doing the best he could to keep her alive. He could do this, he could make everything better. But he knew in the back of his mind that even if Bella pulled through, he was only making things worse. Charlie would probably never speak to Billy again, never allow Bella to come back to La Push. Not that she would want to. In the back of his mind, he knew she would hate him. Forever.</p><p>He shoved everything in his backpack and cinched it tight, throwing it over one shoulder. Once he was safely out of the little town’s limits, he would let the change that he itched for take him. He would let himself change and become the animal. He could move faster in his wolf form, much faster than he could have moved by car but beyond that, the silence he was craving. He could give in to the animal’s instincts, even just for a few minutes. The wolf didn’t feel guilt, or worry. The wolf didn’t second guess his own decisions over and over again; it was a creature of instinct.</p><p>Jacob blinked, squinting his eyes against the fog that was still burning off, receding back to the coast lines of the reservation. Once, and it felt like forever had passed, his biggest fear was Edward Cullen sweeping back into town to steal Bella’s time, reclaim the pieces of her heart that Jacob had just started to claim for himself, ride away with her his stupid silver Volvo.</p><p>But now his biggest fear was Edward Cullen coming back into town and finding out what he had done to Bella. Because in the end, that’s what it came down to and all of the excuses he made to himself about what had happened were just that, feeble excuses thought up by a guilty man. </p><p>The wolf… Jacob… they were one and the same. And he’d nearly killed his best friend. Maybe had absolutely killed his best friend. The thought made him sick. </p><p>He smelled him before he saw him. If the rain hadn’t let up and a soft breeze moved in, Edward Cullen would have been on top of him before he even knew he was there. But the edge of sweet rotting death on the wind told Jacob that the leach was <i>right fucking there</i>.</p><p>Jacob froze, fear coursing through his body. Edward Cullen hadn’t been Bella’s favorite subject to talk about over the past six months, but he knew enough to know that the leech could hear his thoughts. His pixie sister could see the future. Jacob turned on his heel and ran, his bag banging against his back and his breath coming in anxious spurts. </p><p>When he was far enough away to let the wolf take over, he stopped and paced the wet pine needles that littered the ground. Edward had been the one to leave while Jacob had picked up the shattered remains and tried his best to put them back together; even if he had only made it worse. How much could Edward Cullen care though, when he had been the one who had left her in the forest, alone and broken, so many months ago. Maybe he wouldn’t have even cared enough to glean that little bit from Jacob’s mind. Maybe his thoughts hadn’t caught the vampire’s attention after all.</p><p>But still, something in his gut told him to keep running, not to look back until he’d crossed over the boundary lines. None of the leeches could follow him there, at least.</p>
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